


Chinese Dinner

by bluejaythebeautiful



Series: 31 Day Winter Prompt Challenge [18]
Category: Ant-Man (2015), Daredevil (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Christmas Caroling, Dinner, Gen, Inspired By A Christmas Story, Russian Squad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 13:02:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5457416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluejaythebeautiful/pseuds/bluejaythebeautiful
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part Eighteen of my 31 Day Winter Prompt Challenge!</p><p>Somebody (*cough*Pietro*cough*) ruined dinner, so now the Russian Squad is forced to go to a Chinese restaurant. Based off of the restaurant scene in Christmas Story!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chinese Dinner

Natasha sighed as she looked around the little Chinese restaurant. It was sparsely decorated, with little color other than the traditional Chinese decorations. Vladimir noticed her fidgeting.

"Hey, Nat, it wasn't your fault dinner was ruined. It was Speedy," he said, reaching over and patting her hand.

Pietro glared at him. "It was not! Anatoly was the one who tripped me, and _he_ bumped the bowl and knocked it over!"

Anatoly scowled and pushed aside his drink. "Excuse me, _you_ were the one who was running through the kitchen!" he retorted, rising up out of his seat. Pietro did the same, leaning across the table.

"Boys, please, calm down! We are in public!" Wanda stage-whispered. She and Vladimir pulled their respective brothers back to their seats.

Kurt rolled his eyes at them. "At least we're getting dinner. Luis recommended it to me."

Anatoly huffed. "This place is a piece of shit! We don't even have our food yet!" He looked up as three men exited the kitchen, but sadly, they were not carrying anything. Instead, they lined up against the wall. "What the hell?"

A fourth man followed them out and took a place nearby. He began conducting.

"Deck the harrs with bourghs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra, ra ra. Tis the season to be jorry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra, ra ra." The three men against the wall had started singing horribly, and they took a deep breath to continue.

The fourth man interrupted them, stepping forward. "No, no, no, no, no!Sing like this: Fa _la la la la la,_ not _ra ra ra ra ra._ Try again." He stood back as they began singing again.

"Deck the harrs with bourghs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra-"

"STOP! NO! Sing something else!" the conductor yelled.

By this time, the entire Russian Squad was giggling quietly; even the Ranskahovs were smirking. The choir whispered among themselves, then burst out with a new song.

"Jingre berrs, jingre berrs, jingre arr the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sreigh!" They ginned, proud of their ridiculous singing.

The man glared at them for a moment, then pointed to the kitchen. "Go. Now. No more singing for you." As they left, a woman came over to the table. She plopped a duck cooked like a turkey onto the table, it's head still attached to the body. Wanda squeaked in fear.

"What... is that?" she whispered. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw both Kurt and Pietro raise their phones and take pictures, not moving their gazes from the... thing.

The woman smiled at them. "It's Chinese turkey. Christmas dinner!" She shrugged, obviously not understanding.

"It's not even Christmas..." Kurt muttered.

Anatoly poked the head of the duck with his fork. "Could we, uh, take this off?" he asked.

"Take it off?" the Chinese man clarified.

"Yeah. Take it off."

The man nodded and pulled a huge butcher knife out of his apron pocket, slamming it down on the duck's neck. Horrified, Natasha covered her face with her hands.

Vladimir wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "It's okay, сестра. It's gone now." He stared at the head. "Get it out of here!"

"Okay!" the man said as he swept it into his pocket. The choir came out of the kitchen, bearing the rest of the food. "Enjoy the rest of your night! Happy holidays!" He went back to the kitchen.

Kurt nodded, still shocked at everything that had happened. "Happy holidays, indeed."

**Author's Note:**

> This is honestly my favorite scene from the movie, and I had to write a parody of it. I was actually planning to when we created this universe! Takes place in the Russian Squad universe, just like the others with any of these chars in them. (Except "I Don't Believe You". That's not in this universe.)
> 
> The Russian word Vladimir says at the end means "sister".
> 
> Tomorrow's Group: Sean, Angel, Raven, Erik, Charles, Alex, Hank, and Darwin!
> 
> Follow me on tumblr/Twitter! I'm thearrowace


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